Jail
by 1arigato
Summary: Phil does time in jail due to a bilgesnipe attack in a city. Hilarity ensues. AU, since Phil is alive after the Avengers assemble. Told from a jail guard POV. K plus to be safe.


Frank didn't know how the beanstalk could act so nonchalant for someone who'd been around long enough to understand the ruthlessness of life behind bars.

Phil Coulson, was the new guy's name—and he was as thin as a stick compared to the well-built on-goers of the jail. Frank wasn't always the brightest among his fellow guards, but he knew it was impossible for the skinny dude to survive for long against the jail veterans. Frank was called over when the biggest guys around started picking on the newbie, but the veteran prisoner only got to make one swing before he found himself prostrate on the ground, arm twitching from some paralysing jab Coulson snuck in. Frank's fellow guards claimed they didn't see the skinny guy do anything, and Frank just put Coulson on cleaning duty simply because he knew _something_ made the big guy fall, and Coulson was the only reasonable cause.

Three days into the beanstalk's time in jail, the guy got a visitor. Frank was the one to supervise, make sure nothing funny was going on, but with a one-eyed guest like that, the guard found it hard to just focus on what he was taught to watch for. Granted, Frank could only see the non-eyepatch side, but the black Man's coat and air of a commander practically screamed "mysterious," and Frank only occasionally glanced away from staring at the man. The guard caught bits of dialogue that implied Coulson had expected help before he landed in prison, and that the cyclops guy explained things had been busy cleaning up some sort of mess, so no one could get around to bailing Coulson out of jail. When the boots-and-eyepatch man finally left, Frank realised he hadn't searched for suspicious activity between the two men, and swore he'd pay better attention next time. After all, with the questionable talk between the two, who knew what the cyclops man could have passed to the beanstalk while Frank was distracted? Coulson didn't act any different the rest of the day, however, but Frank could only wonder how a calm, collected Coulson among bloodthirsty felonies became a normal sight for him.

The visitors the next day definitely belonged to the same category as Coulson's eyepatch buddy. A red-haired beauty and a charming brunette entered the scene, identical, stiff expressions on their faces yet their movements smooth and ready to strike. The woman's fingers twitched for the guns security held back at the entrance, and with the number of empty gun holsters on her funky jumpsuit, Frank knew it was too many to be healthy. The young man's eyes, meanwhile, took in everything. When Frank's eyes connected with his, the guard felt like a hawk was looking straight through him, observing all of his being, before dismissing him as not a threat—a prey—and moving on. The trio spoke in low tones, the man and woman covering each other's blind spots as they continued to watch the room, and the visitors appeared satisfied when Frank heard Coulson say he could wait until he was freed—it was kind of fun being in jail. Frank wasn't sure if he misheard the last bit, but the small smirk curving the woman's lips and the brunette's chuckle proved otherwise. For a guy who looked like he was pulled out from behind a bank desk, Coulson's personality and connections clashed greatly with his neutral, almost boring appearance.

The next day, Coulson's visitor almost seemed like that. The man was simple enough—plain long-sleeved shirt comfortably rolled to his elbows, writer's glasses, messy yet normal hair—but when the visitor started going off about 'bilgesnipe,' heavy ion fusion, and quantum effects that went over Frank's head, the guard only understood pieces of what was exchanged between the two. "Basically, it was just the result of an excess energy dump when there was that whole wormhole problem in New York…" Frank wasn't even sure if the man was sane; who went all the way to some jail far from where these visitors were coming from—really, really far—just to fill in a guy about bilgesnipe? And seriously, what _was_ 'bilgesnipe?' The glasses man made it sound like a chaotic creature rather than the funny sandwich name Frank made it out to be.

Shawarma was definitely a sandwich, though. When Tony Stark, the billion-dollar genius who founded the new age of technology and clean energy, walked in munching on something called shawarma, Frank suddenly wished to be the guy eating the sandwich. Or at least be the guy Stark was visiting. When Tony sat down in front of Coulson and acted like he was a close friend (and perhaps even respected the skinny guy a bit), Frank didn't have the energy to feel surprised anymore. Sure, let life make connections between a near nobody and an international star–might as well throw in a man out of time while it's at it. The hour after, Frank swallowed his words. A well-fit, traditional young man visited Coulson, everything from his clothing to his words giving the blonde the feel of someone out of place. The old terminology Frank heard from the man might as well tacked the guy as someone from another era, but Frank tried to deny the thought as he told himself he'd faced enough craziness in the short time Coulson had been in jail. The blonde appeared to have wanted to beat Stark in how soon he could visit Coulson, but the simple-looking man assured that he was touched the blonde was thoughtful towards him. There was the mentioning of cards, but Coulson explained he couldn't be handed anything until he was out of jail. Beneath the simple talk, a strong bond could be sensed between the pair, and when the talk of cards came up, a warm smile formed on blondie's lips, and Coulson was less the aloof, proffessional-like guy he appeared to be. Frank blinked when Coulson's voice leaned towards a boyish tone, but the visiting hour ended, and the blonde left before Frank could identify if he really heard it.

Of all the abnormal visitors Coulson had, Frank thought this one took the cake: a seven-foot-plus-tall man, with good looks of a god and the muscles of a warrior. Frank thought he was going to have a heart attack when the Scandinavian accent boomed across the room; it was loud, and Frank had had faced plenty of surprises the past few days, so it was reasonable for him to faint at the presence of the new visitor—the guy at the security desk did, at least. There was more talk about bilgesnipe, in low voices at Coulson's request to the blonde giant before him, and the prisoner seemed satisfied that he was filled in some sort of event—the man apparently doesn't like staying away from work—and thanked the (obvious) foreigner. "Any time, Son of Coul!" was the beast's last words before he finally left the room.

Frank almost couldn't believe it when the charges against Coulson were lifted, proved to not be of the skinny guy's fault. The collateral damage down in the city could have been caused by _raging monsters_, but then the memory of "bilgesnipe" in one of Coulson's conversations resurfaced in Frank's mind, for some odd reason, and the guard didn't question it. When Coulson was released and Frank, under orders, walked him to the car of the person sent to pick him up, he wasn't surprised to see a shady tinted car waiting. Frank didn't think he'd even be surprised if someone was watching them right now, making sure Coulson wasn't harassed by jail guards like such men were rumoured to do. A tree in Frank's peripheral vision caught his eye when the shadows there were too dark, and he remembered the brunette several days ago who walked in with an emptied quiver strapped on his back. Yup, Frank knew he was being watched, alright.

At the car, Coulson turned and gave a businessman's smile, as anyone would expect from someone who sat behind a desk or delivered coffee, but Frank could imagine there was a hint of amusement in it. "Thanks for not saying anything about the conversations, Frank." The guard wasn't surprised Coulson knew his name. "What conversations?" Frank asked, just to be sure. The beanstalk looked like he could have chuckled. "Exactly."

The next day, Frank caught a news channel reporting a battle that took place several days ago between the Avengers and and rampaging aliens called bilgesnipe, and the grainy image of a certain brunette flashed through the screen for a moment in a bystander's low-quality video recording of the event. Frank wasn't surprised about that, either.

—

**A/N: Lol terrible ending! Since I'm still going through all my stuff in my computer, I rushed to give this one-shot an ending, and I didn't have the heart to improve upon it. **For clarification on who visited him, it goes: Fury, Natasha and Clint, Bruce, Tony, Steve, and Thor**. Thanks for reading through!**


End file.
